I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
