im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
