Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
