I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
