if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
