i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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