please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
