You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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