she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
