honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize