we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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