Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
