her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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