yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
