Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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