Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
