So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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