If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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