I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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