Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
