He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
