In America we eat man semen.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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