he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
