The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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