I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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