glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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