I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
