watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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