guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize