I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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