just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
