Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
