hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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