he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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