it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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