I wish life had little blips of pornography
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
