You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
