I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
