I puked a lego.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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