apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
