I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
