wanna go halves on a baby?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So I just went to clothing optional bar
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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