He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
