it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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