dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
