I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
