Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
