Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
