Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
