I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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