she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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