Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
