Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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