Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
