I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
