i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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