Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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