Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
