sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
