you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
