you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
