youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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