You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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