There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
