If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
