so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
