Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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