Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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