Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
