I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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