After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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